Little Red (furry) Riding Hood

Granny was a cranky old lady and I hated going to visit her. I would much rather stay home and look at myself in the mirror, or curl my hair. But still, I would go. Until one day in November.
The day started finely enough, I suppose. I had a new dress and I was trying it on in front of the mirror when my mother came in. “Darling, I need you to walk to Granny’s today,” she told me. Blast! I wanted to go to my friend Sally’s to show off my new dress. But mother stood firm and pushed me out the door with a basket of bread over my arm and a warning to hurry.
As I walked down the road I was in a terrible mood. I did not want to go to Granny’s! Her thin old face gave me the creeps, and she always asked if I had washed behind my ears. My only comfort was how fine I looked in my new red cloak. It was soft and warm, lined with fur, and would be the envy of every girl in the neighborhood. It was also going to save my life, but I didn’t know that yet.
After I had gone down the road for a bit, I turned off onto the little path that went through the woods to Granny’s. It was dark and shady in the woods and I shivered in spite of myself. I continued down the path, comforting my injured spirit with the thought of what the girls would say when they saw my new cloak. Then, right in front of me was a lovely little patch of blackberries. My mouth watered, and my mother’s caution simply flew from my head.
Several minutes later, after stuffing my face with delicious bits of goodness, I discovered that I had smeared blackberry juice on my new cloak. “Oh dear, what will Granny say?” I thought to myself. She put up a fuss if she found even one speck of dirt behind my ears; I shuddered to think of what would happen if she saw my soiled cloak. Then, in a moment of inspiration, I knew how to solve my dilemma. Quickly untying the red ribbon around my neck, I took off the cloak and turned it around! Now, who ever said I didn’t have a brain in my head? That’s genius for you!
Greatly relieved, I continued down the path. I soon came to Granny’s little house in a clearing. Then . . . . BANG!!! I must have jumped a mile! Well, at least high enough to get my hair caught in a tree. While untangling my poor hair from the grasp of the stupid tree, I saw Granny’s front door swinging open in the wind. Just then a strong gust of wind blew the door BANG against the side of the house again.
You can imagine the mood I was in by now. I hadn’t wanted to come in the first place, it was cold and windy, I had stained my brand new cloak, and I had humiliated myself by jumping at nothing but the stupid, stupid wind! Not to mention getting my hair stuck in a tree! I stomped up the path resolved to get it over with and go home as soon as possible. I didn’t even knock the open door, just slammed it behind me as I walked in. Stomping into Granny’s bedroom, I dropped the basket on the floor. I could see Granny’s nightcap poking out from the crazy quilt on her bed. “How are you Granny?” I asked in a dull voice. She muffled something I couldn’t understand. While staring at the floor trying to think of something else to say, something caught my eye. It looked like a dirty old fur muff hanging out of Granny’s bed. Why would Granny have a muff in her bed? Then it moved! I stood frozen to the floor as Granny rolled over and sat up. But it wasn’t Granny! IT WAS THE WOLF! THE WOLF THAT ALL THE OLD STORYTELLERS WARNED CHILDREN ABOUT! THE HUGE CLEVER PEOPLE EATTING WOLF! AND HE WAS IN GRANNY’S BED! OH NO! HE MUST HAVE EATEN GRANNY!
All these thoughts ran through my head as my knees shook, and a scream threatened to escape my throat. I tried to think of a way to escape. Nothing came to mind. I stalled for time. “You are looking much better Granny. How big your eyes are!” I said in a shaky voice. “All the better to see you with,” the wolf replied. HE WAS A HUGE, CLEVER, PEOPLE EATTING, TALKING WOLF!! “And your ears are much bigger too,” I squeaked. “All the better to hear you my dear,” said the wolf in a raspy voice. I still hadn’t thought of an escape plan! “ How big your hands are Granny,” I choked. “The better to hold you my dear.” “How big your teeth are Granny.” Uh oh! BAD CHOICE!! The wolf licked his chops and sprang from the bed. Granny’s nightcap fell to the floor. “The better to EAT you with!” the wolf growled. Every bone in me trembled and shook. My heart pounded. My life flashed before my eyes as the wolf opened his mouth wide and pounced with a snarl!
In a split second I was traveling down the wolf’s slimy throat. It smelled of rotten meat and old cheese. I flailed furiously, trying to find someway to escape! But there was nothing besides me and green foul smelling mucus in the wolf’s throat.
All at once there was a violent jerk and I stopped moving down! Then another one! I began to be jerked back up! The wolf was coughing me up like a hairball! My furry cloak had saved my life!
Well, the story ends when the wolf coughed me out onto the floor and I stabbed him with Granny’s umbrella while he lay gasping on the floor. I then ran all the way home and spilled out the whole story to my mother while she scrubbed the disgusting slime off me. Later, some hunters went and fetched the wolf to be skinned. Unfortunately, they were too late to save Granny. But we did give her a decent funeral, even though we had to keep the casket closed. (Because of the smell, you know.) I made up for it by looking absolutely marvelous in my new cloak. Wolf fur is so fine once it’s properly cleaned, don’t you think?