If I were to name this week, it would be called The Week I Found Out That Never Never Land Doesn't Exist. It all started last Saturday when Mom was gone doing something, and Dad was running some errand and I was watching the kids. I don't remember the details, but they all wanted to do something but their chores weren't done, so I said no. Well, it was a lot longer than "no", basically I was giving them all reasons they couldn't and shouldn't. When it was all resolved and I sat down at the kitchen table and munched my lunch of fish sticks, I suddenly realized that I had just acted and sounded and felt like a grown-up. Then I realized that I usually act that way. Then with a sinking heart, I realized that no matter how hard I try, and how much I want it, I can't be a kid ever again. Ever.
I want to go back to the simpleness of being a child, I want to so bad, but I can only visit when I look through my old drawings and treasures that thank heavens I kept. I can wave to myself every time I open a book that I wrote, but I can't run and play with me.
What would I give to have my old beliefs and fears back? I don't know. A lot, maybe. I still have some of them, but most have gotten slowly phased out of my life like my scruffy stuffed animals. Do I believe in fairies anymore? I believe that everyone should believe in fairies, but I no longer have a positive conviction in fairies. When was the last time I coated myself in mud? Four years ago. Am I afraid of the dark? I haven't been for several months anyway. Do boys have cooties? Nope. Do I sleep with a night light? No.
My comfort is that I can still play pretend without straining my imagination, I still love to play with play dough, and I still sit on my mommy's lap. But I think that I feel closer to broken heartedness than ever before in my life. Now here is the part where you all comfort me and tell me that there's a lot to look forward to being a grown-up, and it's really not that bad. And here's the part where I dry my tears and try to smile and think about dating in a few months.
8 comments:
i wish that as a growing person just a little older then you that i could say that...but it would be a lie. I know that people tell me the same things about how we will have fun being older, I don't care for it though. I just wrote a post about how we can be adults or grown-ups. Adults are the ones that forget that there is magic. Grown-ups still love telling and reading about it. You don't have to be an 'Adult'. You can be a fun Grown-up.
Just to let you know ahead of time. you think that you will start dating but then you end up just being friends with guys and have so much mroe fun! Or at least that was the case for me. remember that you are fun and cool and don't have to be boring when you grow up.
My advise? Enjoy every moment and always try to live IN the moment. Every stage I've been in seems to fly way to fast.
Never forget your past, it's where you learned your lessons.
Look to the future, it's where all your dreams and hopes and goals will come true.
But live now. Enjoy the day-to-day stuff.
Loved your post, Kate.
Kate, I still wish I could be a little kid again sometimes. I, too, was the oldest in my family, and I think that makes growing up happen a lot faster. The good thing about growing up, is that someday you'll be a mom and a grandma, and if you keep your same attitude, you can be a "kid" again with them. They'll love you for it.
Kate
The good news is that you never have to give up the very best part of being a kid.
Sing along at the top of your lungs. Run, play, laugh. Give hugs spontaneously. Trust naturally. Pray at any given moment. Get excited for Christmas and Birthdays. Try new things. And love.
Sheesh, now I'm starting to feel what you are feeling. How depressing...
I agree with john.
Also, College was one of the most fun times of my life.
Enjoy every day.
I agree with John and James. The best part about this phase of your life is learning to embrace your childlike attributes while letting go of childish attributes. The best is yet to come, really.
Oh my goodness Kate! Ok so i know that i am younger than you by two years but oh my goodness I still getting over your drivig now when i come up you will be dating!!!!!! STOP GROWING UP SO FAST!!!! its too hard to keep up! I mean i feel like you 14 well 14 1/2 cuz well im going to be 14 on Sunday (May 11th, also known as mothers day). OH MY GOSH!!!!! is all i can say :)
P.S. I agree with umm chy about being a fun "grown up" or an "adult" :)
Love you,
Lucy
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