How to Catch a Chicken

The first things to do are:
1. Identify purpose of catching the chicken. Do you want to hold it? Or simply drive it into a crate, house, basket, car, or coop?
2. Recognise that the chicken hates you and will NOT want to be caught under any circumstance.
3. Observe the territory. Is it grassy? Are there many trees? Is there a fence or corner that you could trap it in?

Step One: Place yourself facing the target with the chicken in front of you. The target could be the coop or fence etc. If you do not have a target and are out in the open, try to aim yourself away from any trees, as they put you at a great disadvantage.

Step Two: Begin calling softly to the chicken. Just about anything will do, as long as you keep your voice calm and friendly. I prefer, "Heeere chick chick chicky," but you could say "Come here you stupid bird brain," and they wouldn't know the difference.

Step Three: Move slowly towards the chicken, arms out to the side, hands moving softly. Keep talking in a soft voice. In the event that your chicken startles and starts to run, don't let it get behind you and keep talking to it. Under no circumstance should you yell at it or make a dive for it, as this will only scare it and make it run faster. You should also know that chickens are top notch sprinters and will probably outrun you. No kidding.

Step Four: Continue advancing towards chicken so that it moves closer to the target. If you are simply chasing it into a coop or something, skip steps five, six, and seven, and just chase it in and close the door.

Step Five: Now comes the take down. When you have the chicken up to the fence or you are within two or three feet of it, grab it. DO NOT HESITATE! Be very fast. Put one hand on it's back, trapping it's wings so it can't fly (Oh yes, chickens can fly!), and your other hand in front of it, below the neck.

Step Six: Now that you have the chicken in your possession, you may want to pick it up. The best way to do this is to slide the hand that is in front down underneath the chicken so your fingers are near the chicken's legs. Lift the chicken from underneath, keeping your other hand on top to prevent flapping and injury. Hold it close to your body so it doesn't feel like you are going to drop it and start to panic. DO NOT GRAB THE CHICKEN'S LEGS AND HOLD IT UPSIDE DOWN LIKE NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!!! THAT IS A VERY BAD IDEA!

Step Seven: Now that you are holding the chicken in your arms, after all the work you put into catching it, I suggest that you enjoy the thrill for about fifteen seconds then put it down. Because honestly, holding a chicken isn't that fun, and was kind of a stupid idea in the first place.