The internet at my workplace is about as reliable as a goldfish. It had a cranky fit on Friday.

Me: [my boss], the internet doesn't work again.

Boss: Frick!

Me: I've tried all the tricks.

Boss: Call Quest. It's 1-800- RETARDED.


I call the 1-800 number, which should contain RETARDED, but does not. I finally get a hold of someone alive, which is a step up from the recorded message.

Me: Hello, this is Kate. My internet doesn't work.

Quest Dude: thankyouoforcallingquest mumble i'll get in touch with tech support mumble please hold

Ok, maybe a half step up from the recorded message.

I hold.

And I hold.

Quest Dude: mumble thankyouforyoupatience mumble i haven'tbeenabletocontacttechsupport please hold

I hold.

And then the miracle. The call actually gets transferred to someone with a brain. Named Ryan.

Ryan: Hello, Kate? Thanks for holding on. So your internet isn't working, huh? (I can tell he's smiling, because that's what I do on the phone. He has a nice, young voice though, so I don't get ticked off.)

Me: Yep. It's not working.

Ryan: Ok, first thing. Do you have a hammer?

Me: .....no.

Ryan: Ok. That's a good thing at this point, although we may need it later on.

Then we proceed to go hunting for the problem. He guides me through several mysterious windows that I type a secret code into. Then I hit enter.

Ryan: Ok, did that work?

Me: Nope.

Ryan: Hmm. Thanks for your patience.

Me: I'm a receptionist. I get paid for stuff like this.

Ryan: Do you have a hammer?

Me: No.

Ryan: Darn. Now would be a good time to use it. But since that isn't an option, let's try this.

I proceed to try something new. I hit enter. And it works!!

Me: It worked!! Yay!

Ryan: Oh good. Well, thank you for your patience, and have a great day!

Me: Thanks so much! Have a wonderful day!

I smile. What a nice guy. He fixed the internet. With a smile. He should get a raise.

10 minutes later, the internet stopped working.

Time to call 1-800-RETARDED. I hope I get to talk to Ryan again. I wonder if I can throw a hammer through the phone....